Harder (The Unit #3) Page 7

  All the memories of her dad trying to drown her came rushing back—the burning of her lungs, the spasming of her muscles as her body fought for breath. He would take her to the brink of death and then let her up again. She inhaled a mouthful of air. Two. Then he would force her head back under the water of the bathtub. He loved torturing her; he got some sick pleasure from it. She had yet to forgive him, although the abuse stopped when she turned seventeen.

  The person she knew she could never forgive was her mother. She stood by and watched it happen and did nothing to stop it. Her mother would never leave her father because of her brothers and sisters. Jules was the only one to suffer abuse at her father’s hand. That’s why she got out of there as soon as she could. She couldn’t take it anymore. Sure, she felt guilty leaving her brother and sisters there with her cruel father, but she had to save herself. And that was exactly what she did. She put herself through college and graduate school. She fought her way to the top of her career, despite her suffered abuse. She’d seen a counselor or two and had gone through countless hours of therapy in the years since she left. Still, she couldn’t forgive them.

  His arms tighten around her. She knew that smell. How could she ever forget the smell of her true love? Wait. What the fuck was she doing? She hated him. She hated him for leaving her there with her father. She hated him for leaving her there after telling her he loved her. She hated him for taking her virginity and making her compare every other man in her life to him.

  She jerked back from him, lowering her head. If she looked into his eyes at that moment, the moment after he had saved her life, she would lose the little amount of self-control that she had left. She hated him, and she couldn’t let herself forget that, no matter what he did. For many years, she had been living in a different kind of hell. She escaped her father, but she was unable to escape the hold Tony had on her mind, body, and soul.

  The group made their way back to the patrol boat. The crew helped them get the critically injured Steve onto deck where Rob examined him. It wasn’t good. They had to get him to a hospital fast. Rob did what he could to stop the bleeding, but he would have to remove the bullet.

  “Tony, help me get him to the kitchen. I need light so I can get a better look at him,” Rob said as Tony grabbed Steve under the arms and he grabbed his feet. They carried Steve through the main cabin to the kitchen and lay him atop the counter. Using a knife, Rob cut the dry suit from Steve’s body, pulling it to the side. Once he saw the wound’s location, he knew. “He’s not going to make it. It pierced his circumflex artery, the one that supplies blood to the left atrium and to the side and back of the left ventricle. Without surgery now, his heart is going to stop from the lack of blood pumping to it. I’m not equipped for this.”

  Just then, Steve coughed and blood seeped from the sides of his mouth, running down the side of his chin. Tony grabbed his hand and leaned down close to his ear. “I love you, man. You’re not alone.” Pulling back, he looked into Steve’s eyes. Tears welled up from the knowledge of his death and the regret for the years he wouldn’t get to live. He squeezed Tony’s hand and tried to speak.

  “Get her, man. Live your life,” Steve sputtered to Tony, speckling Tony’s cheek with his blood.

  “I’ll talk to your parents. Don’t worry. They’ll know exactly the kind of hero you are,” Tony reassured his dying friend.

  With his last breath, Steve’s only concern was for his brother. “Don’t let her go, Tony.”

  Tony had witnessed a few of his brothers die, but he was close to Steve. Steve had saved his ass on more than one occasion. It wasn’t fair. Now that his emotions were back, Tony’s eyes filled with unshed tears as he looked up at Rob. Rob was holding Steve’s gaze now, reassuring him that everything was going to be all right. Tony felt it the minute life left Steve’s body. His hand went limp in Tony’s.

  Tony allowed a tear to fall for the loss of his brother. He would not forget his dying wish: for Tony to hang on to Jules this time.

  Solemnly, Tony strode out of the kitchen, leaving Rob and Michael to mourn. He had to find Jules. He needed to see her. He needed her touch. He needed her love.

  Tony attempted to assist Jules, but Jules jerked out of his hold. She didn’t want his help. She couldn’t afford his help. Once she had taken her SCUBA gear off by herself, she marched right up to Tyrrell.

  “When are we getting Stanley?” she demanded. Moonlight glistened off Tyrrell’s dark skin dripping with water.

  “We are not getting Martin. My men are,” he admonished.

  “Oh, I’m going with you.”

  Tony overheard the last statement as he approached the duo. “What’s going on?” He looked Tyrrell in the eyes.

  “She thinks she’s coming with us to rescue Martin.” Tyrrell laughed at the absurdity of the idea.

  “Look, I found him on my own. I can do it again,” she barked, pissed off at Tyrrell’s reaction. “And I don’t appreciate your laughter at my expense.”

  Tyrrell’s eyes locked on hers. “That’s not how we normally do things. This is our mission. We’ll rescue Martin. It’s just a matter of time.”

  “They know you’re on to them. How do you plan on finding them again? I have sources. Lots of them. And all of them are willing to help me. I’ve spent years building up relationships with people in positions that can assist in this instance.”

  “Maybe we should listen to her. I’ll keep her safe, always,” Tony said as he looked into her eyes. There it was again, that wave of emotion that overtook him. She didn’t smile at him. Instead, she gave him a scornful look. A look of hatred. In that moment, he knew he would do anything to win her back, even if it meant getting her a spot on this mission. He would protect her at any cost, and he would make her his again.

  “Absolutely not. One, it’s too dangerous. You saw what we’re dealing with. Two, I don’t have insurance for non-Unit members. Three, it’s just a bad idea. We need to focus on Martin. How are you going to focus on Martin when she’s with us?” he asked, turning to eye Tony.

  Tony had to admit Tyrrell had good points. Maybe he would have to talk her out of this. He reached up to touch her arm, but she immediately moved out of his range. When she glared at him, he felt her hatred to his very soul. This was not going to be easy.

  “Let’s talk,” he insisted, this time grabbing her arm forcefully and pulling her to the stern of the ship.

  She reluctantly moved, forced by Tony’s sheer will. He got her to the stern and reached down for a towel. The night air was warm, but the breeze against their wet skin caused goose bumps. He unfolded the towel and carefully wrapped her curvaceous body in it. She stood at five foot nine, which was five inches shorter than him. Her breasts were voluptuous. Her ass equally voluptuous. Even with her long, dark, wavy wet hair clinging to her face, Tony wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Her whole body was a lean, toned, pin-up model type that Tony couldn’t take his eyes from.

  Taking care not to touch her anywhere, he overlapped the towel in the front of her as she reached up to hold it. Their fingers brushed as their eyes met, suspending them in the moment. It was a feeling so intense, it took Tony’s breath away. The memory of their first kiss flooded back to him. Their lips were centimeters apart as they breathed each other in. Her scent was completely her own and womanly. He wanted to bury his nose in the crook of her neck and inhale her into him.

  What was he going to do? She couldn’t stand him, but he was aware that she was having a reaction to his touch. Perhaps the same reaction he was having? He had to win her back. But how? She was cold and heartless in her interactions with him. He saved her life for Christ’s sake, and she didn’t show him any affection. It was almost like his touch hurt her.

  “Jules.” Her name whispered from his lips felt so good. He hadn’t said it aloud in years, although he thought about her constantly. At the sound of her name falling from his lips, she froze. Tony slowly removed his hand from hers. “You can’t come with us. The mission is too
dangerous. Tyrrell’s right,” he explained. She dropped her head and looked at the ground.

  “This is not open for debate, Tony. I’m going. And if you don’t take me, I’ll go by myself. I did it once before; I’ll do it again.”

  “Please, listen to me. We once meant something to each other. You still mean something to me.” He didn’t expect to say it, but the words were out before he could stop himself.

  Her head shot up, and she looked him squarely in the eyes. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare pretend to care about me. I’ve done just fine on my own. I’ll continue to do just fine on my own. I don’t need you to protect me.”

  “May I remind you that I found you locked in a vice with a madman ripping out your fingernails?” Tony couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Did she really not credit him for saving her? Did she really think she could have gotten herself out of that situation? Of course she did. That was his Jules. And there it was. His Jules. He hadn’t thought of her as his since his first day of SERE school, when he turned everything off, all his emotions, his feelings. Nothing mattered but attaining his goal of becoming a Green Beret. He had been so one-sighted. Now, at that exact moment, when he needed her to believe in him, he regretted shutting everything off. But he knew he wouldn’t have made it if he didn’t. Emotions and feelings were not something one could afford in SERE school.

  “But I do care about you, more than you seem to realize.”

  “Oh, you can save your bullshit for someone else. I’m going to rescue Stanley, with or without you. So, if you care about me like you say you do, you’ll talk your boss into it. At least, that way, I’ll have some protection, not that I need it, mind you,” she goaded and turned to walk away from him.

  Tony found Tyrrell in the main cabin of the ship. He knew he may have a fight on his hands to get Jules to tag along on the mission to rescue Martin. He closed the distance to Tyrrell, who was speaking with the ship’s captain. “Excuse me. Tyrrell, we need to talk about Jules. She is adamant about rescuing Martin. She’s going to do it with or without us. I’m asking, as a friend, please let her come along. At least that way I know we’ll be there to protect her. You saw how well it went when she went on her own?” Tony beseeched his boss.

  “I don’t think it’s wise, but I hear you. You’ll be responsible for her. If anything happens to her, it’s all on you. Fair?”

  “Thank you, boss. I don’t want her out there alone.” Tony was surprised. He hadn’t expected Tyrrell to give in so easily.

  He didn’t like the feeling that came over him when he thought about being completely responsible for Jules, yet, at the same time, he wouldn’t want it any other way. Although Tony didn’t know the woman that Jules had become, he wanted to know her. He wanted to learn every little thing there was to know about her. He loved the girl she was. He loved her soul. Her soul didn’t change just like his hadn’t. Jules was the love of his life. Once, he made her second to the Green Berets. He would never make that mistake again. Jules was his to protect, his to love, his to have and to hold. Now, he just had to convince her of it.

  Tony sat alone on the deck of the patrol boat as it made its way back to the coast, taking the time to think. And his thoughts were consumed by Jules. Her face. Her eyes. Her smile. Her inherent goodness. He had to reach her. The guilt of him leaving her alone with her bastard father all those years ago was almost more than he could handle. It was consuming him. He was having trouble handling the anger she felt toward him. It was so real, so intense, so justified. He couldn't blame her for hating him now. He did leave her after taking her virginity. She probably thought that was all he wanted, just another fuck. But it hadn’t been just a fuck the first time. It was much, much, much more than that. It was true love. He made love to her like he had never before and never again made love to a woman. How was he ever going to convince her that he felt real, intense feelings for her?

  Looking up, he took in the starlit sky. The moon, full and overhead, reflected off the dark, gently rolling waves of the sea.

  He felt her before he ever turned to look at her. He sat there, staring straight ahead, admiring the reflection of the moonlight and the gentle lapping of the waves against the hull of the ship. Truth be told, he wanted to see if she really hated him or if she still felt something for him too. He told himself that, if she approached him, then she did have feelings for him, feelings that he could encourage. If she turned and left, then he had no chance with her. He didn’t turn around, allowing her the chance to make this all-important decision. For, if she approached him, he would become relentless in his pursuit of her.

  He waited with baited breath. His future happiness depended on the next few minutes. If she chose to leave him sitting, without acknowledging his presence, he didn’t know how he would handle being so close to her on the mission to rescue Martin. If she stayed, she would be his again. Only this time, she would be his for eternity, not just a night. He wouldn’t have it any other way. He was no longer a Green Beret. He had a steady job with Blackrain Security; a job that would provide handsomely for both of them while allowing him to do the work he loved, the work that was in his blood.

  He listened but couldn’t hear her over the sound of the ocean against the hull and the hum of the ship’s engine, not knowing if he was waiting in vain, or if she was still standing there, making up her mind. It was ridiculous to rest so much of his future upon one decision of hers, but he just couldn’t help himself. This was something he needed to know. Although he would play the fool for Jules, he wouldn’t pursue her if she really didn’t want him to; he respected her too much for that.

  Another few minutes passed. He couldn’t stand it much longer. If she was still behind him, then he told himself that she was making up her mind about him. Was he telling himself these things because he knew he didn’t have a chance with her? Was the damage already done when he left her after taking her virginity?

  He had done that. He had taken her virginity and then left her emotionally and physically, never turning back. What could she possibly think about him now? He had to put himself in her shoes. She had to despise him for doing that to her. Sure, he sent her his dog tag and told her not to forget him. Obviously, she still wore that dog tag, because that was how they had been alerted to her presence in the first place. Thank God for that dog tag. Without it, he would have never known the ATG had her as well.

  Clutching his hand tighter, the metal of the dog tag dug into his hand. He relaxed his fingers and opened his hand to stare at that which was responsible for, in his mind, reuniting him with the love of his life.

  He knew women found him irresistible, and he’d definitely played the field while in the military and since leaving. Usually, all he needed to do was smile and turn on his infamous charm, and the women would follow him to wherever he was calling home. However, he never allowed himself to feel, which meant a lot of meaningless one-night stands. Sure, there was Marguerite, who he saw on more than one occasion, but she never meant anything to him. She was just another piece of ass. She was just a way to pass the time. The only woman who ever meant anything to him was Jules. If she turned away from him now, now that his emotions were back on and in full force within his heart, he would be devastated. But, he couldn’t blame her. He did leave her just like he left all the rest. But he never thought about any of the rest. He only ever thought about his Jules. His Jules, that was the way she would always be to him. His.

  He wouldn’t turn around. She could be gone and these thoughts, which were driving him crazy, could be all that was keeping him company in the warm night breeze. By the position of the moon, he could tell that it was slightly after midnight. He knew the rest of the Unit was fast asleep in their bunks.

  If she left him alone on the deck of that ship, he had to respect that, even though every ounce of his being called to her. At one point, he thought he was losing his mind because he swore, over the noise, he could hear her breath behind him. He swore he could feel her presence like a palpable energ
y connecting their bodies together.

  She stared ahead at his glorious back side. The breeze blew his white T-shirt flush against his muscles, outlining the V shape of his torso. She stood in awe at how strong his body had become. She longed to run her nails down his back and press her lips against his. She ached to feel him inside her. Still, she stood frozen in place. The warm night breeze caught her flowing shirt and lifted it. She quickly pressed her hand down to smooth it back in place. Turning her gaze to the heavens, she asked for a sign. What should she do? If she went to him, that meant she still wanted him, and he would know she sought him out on the ship.

  She should turn and walk away. He had hurt her so badly, yet she couldn’t bear to be without his dog tag around her neck. She felt naked without it. When the terrorists ripped it from her in the first building they had her held in, she felt a piece of her soul leave her. That dog tag was her only connection to Tony. She never wanted to separate herself from him completely.

  Still, the fact remained that he took her innocence and left her, and all she had to show for it was a dog tag, which she didn’t even have anymore. Her connection to him was gone forever. What should she do? Go to him and risk his rejection, risk feeling the pain of him leaving her all over again. How long had it taken her the first time to be able to go a day without crying for him? Two years. She remembered clearly. It took her two years before she no longer cried over him. Two years of her life spent pining over a man who left her alone in that bed. Two years before she could even contemplate going out with another man. Sure, she had been with other men since Tony, but she avoided relationships with them. She left them way before they ever had a chance to leave her. She would never feel that pain again.

  She should turn around and leave. Leave him sitting there on the deck of that ship. Leave him without a second thought. Leave him the same way he left her.